April 1 Cambridge News
Somerville Invades Cambridge!
The trouble has been brewing ever since the breakup of Middlesex County. Militia Commander Joseph Curtatone mustered Somerville’s Democratic Socialist forces on Prospect Hill and led the convoy south into the former Peoples Republic of Cambridge. Somerville Dictator Katjana Ballantyne ordered troops to mass on the East Cambridge border in what most people believed to be just a routine training exercise. However, when Militia Commander (and former Mayor) Joseph Curtatone arrived, things changed quickly. Some East Cambridge residents initially welcomed the visitors from the north – barely noticing the stylized “S” emblazoned on their drab uniforms. Jay Wasserman, in fact, invited some of the Somervillains in for drinks not knowing their true intentions.
The Somerville plan seems to be centered not on occupying all of Cambridge, but simply on capturing the revenue-producing Kendall Square area. This, however, requires establishing a “land bridge” through most of the East Cambridge neighborhood. When Rep. Michael Connolly (DSA, Cambridge-Somerville) was asked about the invasion and occupation, he remarked, “I was part of the Occupy Movement before it was fashionable. Now that the majority of the Somerville City Council are avowed socialists, it only seems natural that we should bring at least some portion of Cambridge into the fold – even if some level of military force is required to enforce our political philosophy.”
Outgoing City Manager and newly appointed General Louis DePasquale vowed to defend Cambridge’s historical boundaries. “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing-grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!”
The original 2017 plan (above) has since been updated to eliminate all privately owned motor vehicles
Updated plans unveiled eliminates car lanes and adds segregated lanes on major Cambridge thoroughfares
City has long-term plan to install “protected lanes” for bikes, mopeds, pedestrians, seniors, and hoverboards.
After several additional minutes of research, City transportation planners and the newly reappointed Vision Zero and Motor Vehicle Elimination Advisory Committee released updates to the original 2017 plans for fully segregated lanes on several major Cambridge thoroughfares. “This has always been about the greater good – regardless who disagrees, petitions, or otherwise tries to convince us with data,” said City Manager Louis DePasquale. “We will now commit to preserving the tree canopy in accordance with the Tree Protection Ordinance, but this will necessitate the banning of all motor vehicles along the city’s major thoroughfares even though eminent-domain land-takings will enable us to create sufficient (100 ft) road width.”
The only city councillors to raise issues about the plan were Paul Toner and Denise Simmons who seemed to not understand how absolutely essential the elimination of the lanes for motor vehicles was in order to achieve a vanishingly small impact on climate change. City Arborist David Lefcourt was pleased that the tree canopy would be preserved in order to provide shade for the cycle track, the child track, the senior track, and the hoverboard tracks.
One member of Cambridge’s Bicycle Committee reiterated what she said 5 years ago: “The whole concept of ‘sharing’ is an outdated vestige of the pre-millennial age.” A new Gen-Z appointee to the Bicycle Committee added, “For sure. This is like necessary.”
Vision Zero Policy Reauthorized by Cambridge City Council
Original 2017 goal to eliminate all motor vehicles extended from 2020 to 2023
The Cambridge City Council’s 2017 “Vision Zero” policy has proven more difficult to achieve than originally thought. Originally conceived as a plan to reduce traffic-related injuries and fatalities through better road design, the ever-so-progressive Cambridge City Council decided in 2017 to ban motor vehicles outright, but received pushback from a coalition of soccer moms, grocery shoppers, and other climate change deniers. As a result, the absolute prohibition previously scheduled for March 2020 has been extended to March 2023.
Original April 2017 Report
There are, to be sure, some transitions that must take place before Cambridge can become truly a Vision Zero city and an example to other cities wanting to battle climate change in the worst way. Perhaps the greatest challenges are in rubbish/recycling collection and emergency services like police and fire protection, but these challenges also provide opportunities for local entrepreneurs.
Cambridge Health Alliance CEO Patrick Wardell announced that CHA is already well on its way toward Vision Zero. They have begun training and recruitment for very athletic persons to operate their new fleet of human-powered pedambulances.
It won’t be an all-bicycle future of course. To handle some of the heavier tasks, we’ll be seeing a lot more horses in the streets of Cambridge.
 New Fire Apparatus |
The Cambridge Fire Department embraced the initiative. "In addition to the environmental and nostalgia benefits, maintaining the horses will create jobs," said Fire Chief Gerald Reardon. "We have to think of the future even as we embrace the past."
Several new condo developments along New Street and elsewhere to be converted to stables. "We feel that horse-drawn vehicles are a sustainable solution to all delivery needs." Danehy Park will be converted to hayfields.
“The road apples left by horses will be an essential part of the citywide composting program,” said DPW Commissioner Owen O’Riordan.
Meanwhile, the City’s Department of Traffic, Parking, and Transportation has been drafting new specifications for “cycle tracks” to require a minimal 10 foot width. “Our plan all along has been to eventually execute a complete mode shift. At some point motor vehicles will be moved to the cycle tracks while cyclists take over the roadways. This should provide ample accommodation for motor vehicles during the interim years before the banning of all motor vehicles within city limits,” said Traffic Director Joseph Barr.
Flush with ARPA funds and after several years delay, MBTA ready to move forward with Green Line Extension to Porter Square
The City’s Transit Advisory Committee, working in concert with the MBTA and the Cambridge Historical Commission, have announced updated plans for new kinda-rapid transit service to Porter Square with the option of extending service further west to Alewife and Belmont Center in the future. On the drawing board for more than a century, the Meigs Elevated Railway will add desperately needed capacity to supplement the new Green Line Extension to Union Square. MBTA analysts decided that it was just too difficult to safely move that many people underground and concluded that the time-tested concept of elevated railway service is an old idea that’s about to become new again.
Historical Commission Executive Director Charles Sullivan again conceded, “The Rindge gifts have had their day in the sun. While we remain grateful for the remarkable gifts from Frederick Hastings Rindge to the City of Cambridge, including City Hall, it’s time to make way for grander visions.” Sullivan added, “Sometimes history is simply overrated.”
East Cambridge Traffic Pattern Changes Begin Friday, April 1
Due to recent sewer projects and new lab development, the Cambridge Traffic Department announced several changes in the direction of one-way streets in East Cambridge (see map). “Based on community feedback and data collected over the last several months, we have decided that these changes are essential for public safety,” said Traffic Director Joseph Barr. Crews began posting “Do Not Enter” signs throughout the neighborhood on Thursday. Over the next week or so, City staff will continue to evaluate streets throughout the city to determine if similar changes are warranted. “We appreciate your continued patience and efforts as we manage these erratic changes,” said Barr. “Thankfully, recent rollouts of Quick-Build separated bicycle lanes have acclimated Cambridge residents to the introduction of new and bizarre traffic conditions.” For more information, please visit www.cambridgema.gov. Residents with questions about these traffic changes can contact Public Works at 617-349-4800 or the Traffic Department at 617-349-4700.
